waiting for tomorrow

It's so odd how things are more obvious to me now than what they used to be.  I mean, I actually will stop and watch a bug crawl, or a leaf fall from a tree.  I watch the kids get off the school bus one by one...It's like life looks more different than it ever did before.  I'm all of a sudden, in no hurry...I want to savor each and every moment.  Every morning I'm the first to awake, and at night the last to go to sleep.  I watch Ray every chance I get.  I watch him when he sleeps.  I watch his chest rise and fall.  I watch him in such a peaceful somber.  Am I sounding morbid to you?  I don't mean too.  Its just now I notice things more.  I appreciate things more.  The world is a different color.  I'm seeing in HD so to speak.  I'm savoring every moment that he's well...before the real sickness hits.  I hate that I know so much about cancer...I wish some of it would be a surprise...but not so.  I've seen it..I've treated it....I've cried about it...It's a horific disease with the treatment just as horific.  Perhaps this is why I'm so afraid.  I hate to see a stranger go through this..so you can imagine how I feel with the cards being dealt to my husband....

Have you guessed that I'm a pessimest yet?  Guilty as charged.  But, that's who I am.  I think that's what has always made me a good nurse.  I've questioned Dr's many times about meds and care to pt's. I've never been one to just go with the flow.  I make a Dr. earn his pay check.  If you want an advocate, then I'm your girl.  Ray said that God put him in the best nursing hands possible.  Whew, that's a big title to up hold.  But, I will be his voice.  They are already talking in words he doesn't understand.  I interpret.  Ray likes it that way.  I guess that helps take a little stress from him.  He didn't even want to take the phone call from the Dr.  He wanted me too...and I did.  I'm the one that had to tell Ray that he has cancer...it was one of the hardest sentences I have ever spoke.

I have cried now almost non stop for days...My eyes hurt.  I honestly have skin breakdown underneath my eyes where I have wiped so much.  I know things have to get better one day.  I hope tomorrows that day.....