These are just my random thoughts. How I feel…I don’t expect
to be judged for them…I don’t expect anyone to try and give me answers…this is
just the only way I know how to cope right now. There will be plenty of spelling errors, fragmented sentences and multiple words used incorrectly..I'm no writer...I'm just me. If you’re reading this, I guess
in some small way you care…and for that I thank you.
So, for those that don’t know...my life changed forever on
12/11/12.
My best friend, confidant, lover, husband, my ALL was
diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
I’ve never been hit so hard in my life…It’s like someone
sucker punched me in the gut and then threw me into a bottomless vat of water. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk…and for a moment I couldn’t even cry…now
I know the meaning when people say that they felt they were in a suspended animation…it’s
like you can see things, but you can’t hear them…and then when the initial
shock wears off everything seems to be moving in slow motion. A drop of water leaking from the faucet takes forever
to hit the sink….
I’m angry…no, I’m fucking pissed off!!! I want to run screaming, I want to hit
something, I want to rip things in tiny bits…but what good would it do? Nothing!
He didn’t deserve this. He’s the most caring compassionate, loyal,
devoted husband, friend and man that I have ever known.
He has never put himself first…N.E.V.E.R. I want
to take this cancer from him and put it into me. I don’t want him to suffer as I know he’s
going to, when the treatments begin. The
treatments alone come with a shit load of risks..not fair…not fucking fair…this
wasn’t the way it was supposed to be…
With all that we are facing…sickness, weird looks from
people, financial devastation, etc…what do you think his first thought was? It was
ME, he is worried about me…ME! It’s not
about me…but I’m still his main concern…God, Why? Why is this happening? When will I stop crying? When will I stop
begging you for help? When will my heart stop hurting? I know I have to be strong for him. I know I must fake a somewhat happy face when
he gets home..I know he needs positive energy from me. I know he needs some sense of normalcy. I’m all he has to turn
to..but how? HOW? HOW? HOW??????? How do I not let him down? How do I pass the most important nursing
assignment ever put before me?
People tell me “It will be ok, cheer up, don’t be negative!” Are they all fucking crazy???? These are all
ear pleasing words. I used to say these
same things to families all the time…I was a hospice nurse for Christ’s sake…things
might get better…but it will never be ok.
Is anyone listening?? IT WILL
NEVER BE OK! My husband has CANCER! And it
will never be fucking ok…..
Hugs to you and Ray!
ReplyDeleteJust be there for him......love him, comfort him....whatever it takes.
ReplyDeleteHi there...You touched the support group and then lead me here. Welcome to our group by the way. You sound devastated and right fully so. When you are left hanging as you are it is difficult to see anything positive because the mind will conjure up all sorts of bad things and blow the issues way out of porportion because you have nothing concrete to hang your sites on. I too am a nurse, also a Hodgkins, breast Cancer and Lymphoma survivor and I am here to tell you there is a God and he has his sights on you and Ray right now! I believe everything happens for a reason...it may be awhile but you will figure it out sometime. Ray is counting on you for help and strength you are really having a bad time of it. A nurse always has a plan they are organized and level headed...right now all of those are shot for you, thus causing extreme stess. You suggested you needed some chemical help and I agree. Situational depression is tuff and alittle prozac or which ever they perscribe for you will make a huge dfference, (I speak from experience), please call on Monday and seek an appt. to help you thru this section of your life. You need to take care of you or you won't be any good for Ray. You should go back to the thread you started...what you are expressing here is exactly what our site is for. There you will be able to talk to many that have been thee done that and are ok. Like me! We don't judge because we have all felt your feelings. Once yiu get more info. on Ray's case we will be able to help you out more in the information area. We are there to help get you thru a rotten section of your life but on the positive side it will draw you and Ray very close together as you join together for his battle! Going back to the group...come on over and talk!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much dear sweet cyber friend. What you said about a nurse is absolutely true...all my plans are just shot...Thank you for being so encouraging..it means more that you could possibly know. I'm a hospice nurse...so, you can imagine how my mind is running rapid. Ray is my life. I've never loved anyone so much in my whole life...I never want him to be sick as I've seen in others. I'm not familiar with HL...I can only recall having one patient with it...and I only had that patient briefly. My mind is a jumbled mess as I try and sort out what comes next...Thank you again. I will check back in on the support site. Congrats on being a survivor!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe reason you have'nt seen someone in hospice is because this a very cureable cancer. And yes I can see how your mind is running rampant...you are responding according to your experiences and being in hospice care would give you an end of life experience to compare Ray's cancer to. Rest and step back and take a deep breath...Ray will be ok, he will have a bumpy ride and you will care for him when he needs the help. You will have your live partner home and healthy soon!
ReplyDeleteOnce again you nailed it. Thanks so much for the encouragement., its always appreciated.
ReplyDelete